The importance of Loving ourselves…

Do you often go All out for people and still feel like you always come out empty?¬† even worse, you often feel like no matter how hard you seek love or validations, people still don’t value you or respect you? here’s your mistake, you put people first and forget about You and expect them to love you back, but sorry to say this, that is never going to happen!

The thing is we need to love our selves first before anybody else can, like Michael Jackson said, it all starts with the man in the mirror. People cannot love you better until you love your self the right way.

The thing about me is that I love eavesdropping lol…(and I think everybody does too right?). I overheard a conversation between my mother and some lady friend of hers, I think they were talking about that lady’s family issues and while listening, I heard her say ”I will start taking care of my self when my husband starting loving me the right way”, and I couldn’t believe what I just heard. I felt sorry for her and at the same time I was mad, I even think I almost attempted to join the conversation and speak my mind but you know black parents don’t allow us to listen or even talk about grown stuff with them (which is not fair because young people are so wise hey ūüėČ

I couldn’t believe her, I couldn’t believe the fact that she said she will take care of her self when things are okay with her husband, I almost asked ”what if things will never go back to normal again with your husband”, (but of course I was eavesdropping so I couldn’t)

images (1)

And that’s what inspired my post today, and I share this to inspire people, from young to old, that we need to love our selves and put our selves first before anybody else. You cannot love better if you do not love your self better, you cannot be loved the right way if you do not love your self in the the right way. People cannot respect you if you do not respect yourself. It all begins with you, before anybody else, it starts with you, you are responsible for you, you have to take care of your self before others care for you, and that is what people are not aware of, they wait for people’s validation before they value themselves.

We make a mistake of thinking people will magically love us, we often go as far as pleasing people when we know deep down we are not happy doing that. We even become bitter asking our selves why do I go all out for people when I am not appreciated most time, but here’s the thing girl, as long as you keep loving others thinking you will receive love back, know that it is never going to happen. It all begins with you, The bible also says love your neighbor as you love your self, so in order to love the right way, you have to begin to love your self. It starts with the man in the mirror.

Of course loving ourselves and putting ourselves first doesn’t mean we have to be selfish, it just means we value ourselves while respecting other people around us. The energy you give your self will attract love from people.

We Attract Who We Are

Do you ever wonder why you continuously go through a series of repeated situations in relationships & friendships? I know I do, and this can sometimes bring resentment towards those relationship/failed relationships (if they ended) and it can even lead to one being too careful or too ”picky” when it comes to choosing new friends or partners in future, and at times this also creates blame games and pointing fingers at others for those failed relationships but here’s one thing I have realized in all of those dilemmas; that in life we attract Who We Are.

Whether it is through friendships, relationships or even strangers, the truth we ignore or we are unaware of is that we attract who we are in life. This may be controversial to others because of a popular saying which states ”opposites attract”, however I have learned that as much as they say opposite attract, when it comes to people in our lives, they are close to us because of one common thing that has attracted us to them, whether we know it or not.

Opposites-attract

As a fellow young lady, I often hear other women describe the kind of men they would one day love to marry, like ” I want a successful man” but they themselves don’t want to work hard in life. I hear men say, ”I just want a loyal partner as a wife”, but they themselves struggle to be loyal too, and sometimes both men and women find them selves complaining about always attracting the same kind of people in their lives, saying ”I always attract men who just wanna sit in the house and watch tv all day”, the truth is your partner may be relaxed because they also think the same thing about a particular situation in your life, it may not be career related issue but a situation at home, like my partner never wants to clean in the house.

While this is an issue that affects people in relationships, it affects friendships as well; one may wonder why they always attract friends that are not loyal or friends who just always ask ask ask, and they conveniently forget to give give give. This I believe is not a co-incidence that you are repeatedly affected by the same situation always, but this can be a sign that there is a particular area in your life that is not good, and it needs to be changed in order to see different results in relationships.

B3pqjmiCIAAed6_.jpg

Sometimes one may argue that the reason why they always go through repeated situations where they attract the same kind of people in their lives is because of people taking advantage of their character¬† and that it has nothing to do with attracting who they are, like ”I have a good heart, and people keep taking advantage of my kindness”.

AAEAAQAAAAAAAAYzAAAAJDdmOGMyZmI0LTZiMjQtNDRlYy05OTQyLWMwZjE5YmNiMGM3YQ.jpgBut the truth is we all attract who we are, and until we make a change in or lives, we will continue to see the same results in relationships.

The sad thing about attracting the same kind of people in our lives whether it is in our relationships or friendship is that sometimes we attract who we are based on our backgrounds; such as a situation where a child who grew up with a Mother who constantly dated men who abused her may affect that child’s live in future relationships. The child may go through a similar situation, where they attract same abusive men in future. However the good thing is that anything is possible and it is up to that child to deal with the past so that¬† she can change repeated patterns by working on themselves and finding value in loving themselves which may lead in to finding the right partner in life.

We attract who we are, and whatever relationship/friendships we desire, the power is in us, and it is found in working on ourselves. We shouldn’t want loyal friends if we are not prepared to be loyal ourselves, and we shouldn’t want a loving husband if we do not have love. It all starts with ourselves.

Why we have the Power to say ‘it STOPS now’

Any person will admit that at one point in their lives, they have had a disturbing feeling that perhaps their family’s past/ present mistakes runs in their DNA and are waiting to make the same mistakes in their lives. I am perhaps talking about the divorces that have taken place in families, Parents who have gone to jail, Abuse and addiction in the family, poverty from one generation to another and this has led one into thinking that’s probably going to happen to them in future, and that can be a disturbing thought to even think about, sometimes it can even escalate to fear. However with the awareness of our family’s pasts we All have the Power to Say It Stops NOW.

hand-stop

I’ve come to realize that our situations are ours but they do not dictate our future. our situations happened but they do not define who we are, and we are not entitled to our family’s problems, just like a wise man once said ”we are not given a successful life nor given an unsuccessful life, we are just given life and what we do with it is up to us”, therefore what happened to our parents happened to them and not us, we are just a part of a piece that got affected in the situation, and we have the power to say what happened to us in the past Stops Now.

There are so many people who find themselves going through what their mothers and fathers have gone through,¬† and they are fine with where they are; I am talking about women who still think it is okay for men to abuse them because that’s what happened to their mothers and grand parents and men who think substance abuse is who they are because it affected their fathers and grand parents. This sometimes is because they are aware of their family dynamics and they still lack knowledge on how to help themselves and they finally give in to the circumstances, and passively finds it okay to be victims of past problems as well. Sadly sometimes people finds it okay to go through exactly what their family went through because one, they are not aware that they are the victims of their problems and two they have been told that their problems is who they are and that¬† it will never change.

It's up to YOU!.jpg

But today I write this as a way of showing people that yes the family situation/problems happened to them but it is not who they are. Their circumstances does not define them, they are not their family’s past, generational curses and problems they have gone through are very much below them and that is their power. The power to say It Stops Now.¬†

images

This is a piece to remind people that they have the power to stop poverty, addiction, abuse, failing relationships. And of course it is not easy, change does not happen overnight but it sure does happen when you want to see it, and it all begins with making a quality decision to want to see change, because without that quality decision being made, it will all become an idea in the head to want to see a difference, and everything will still be the same.

AAEAAQAAAAAAAAQfAAAAJGFjYTc0OTVkLTE3YjYtNGM5OC04YjQ1LWM1MDAzY2FhZmY3ZQ

Therefore the first step to putting your power in to action is firstly to acknowledge and have the awareness of your family problems, the second is to realize and recognize that it happened to your family but it does not have to happen to you and the third thing is to make a quality decision of wanting to see change by putting action and asking for help and always remembering to surround your self with positive people in your life while seeking help for your self.

 

Why Failure should not be an option.

The past 5 days have¬† been very hectic for me emotionally, physically and spiritually. Between doubting my self as a new blogger, leading me to running out of ideas of what to write about as I have not yet picked out my niche, to having the struggle to eat healthy (as I have mentioned that I am eating healthy nowadays) led me to feeling like I am a failure, and I shouldn’t continue writing and I am glad because these emotions have actually inspired me to write about this topic: Failure and why shouldn’t be scared to fail.

I have come to learn that we all have failed in the past and some of us have failed so hard, and some not so hard, but we all have experienced the ‘F’ word, and it is not a nice feeling to experience or to even feel like you failed at something because for some it can even lead to depression and totally giving up in life.

25c1891.jpg

While we may think failure is when one has lacked the ability to succeed at something there are some things I have learned about what failure¬†is and what it really means. Basically Failure is NOT lacking the ability to succeed¬† at something but rather failure is giving up after failing to succeed at something, meaning whatever it is that you have not succeeded at, it will no longer be considered as a failure if you get up and dust your self after falling.¬† Failure¬† becomes irrelevant when¬† you go re-do and succeed at what you did not achieve at first. And another thing that makes a person a failure is when you start living up to people’s standard and not your own standard, the minute you live a life to please people you are setting your self up for failure because not only do you deny your self freedom of life but you are denying your self the best you can be. And a part of failure is putting too much pressure on your self. It is the same with living according to the standards of people, when you put pressure on your self, you end up forcing your self to be perfect and you will come out empty and emotionally exhausted.

bigstock_Failure_Grunge_Text_3728194-1.jpg

In fact I have realized that there is no such thing as failure because from failure there is so much to learn. Failure basically is an investment because it is like losing thousand but ten thousand returns, therefore we shouldn’t be afraid of failing because it is in failing that we gain, we grow, and we learn.

I am so grateful for all my past failures because today I know better. Of course it wasn’t nice at the time, and it won’t even be nice today if I fail but the bright side of it is that in failure there’s so much to learn, therefore we need not to be afraid of it because one way or another we will all experience failure and the power is in us to allow Failure to be a fail¬†or a LESSON. We can not control failure but we can control how we define it in our life

Why Parents should Teach Us and Not Tell Us…

Our Parents are heaven sent right?… exactly. Good riddance, what could we do Without them, let alone be without them. The endless sacrifices they make for us… Un…believable. Just the thought of¬† being a trouble maker will make you think twice when you realize such things. For sure raising us was and its still not a walk in the park considering how young people can be.¬†However even though our parents are to die for and we would go to the moon and back for them, I’m afraid there is one slight Problem with them at time; They have not Mastered the difference between Teaching Us and Telling Us¬†while disciplining us.

They don’t get it at times, that as Daughters and Sons we want to be taught and not be told to do something, that we want to learn and no just do what they tell us to do passively, because guess what, the problem in just telling us to do something, tomorrow that thing is out of the window but when they teach us, it stays with us,¬†why? because teaching shows us that we are not only learning together with them but we are learning from and through them.

teaching-children

Parents need to understand that instead of just telling us to pray, we want to first learn how to pray and see them pray with Us, instead of telling us to be responsible, we want them to teach us how to be responsible, learn as well as see them do it with us. What they need to understand about young people is that we learn better when we see rather than what we hear. Therefore parents must know that young people are not the problem after all, and neither are they. All they need to do is to understand the formula in dealing with generation of the new era and how young people work and that them teaching us instead of telling us doesn’t mean we think we know any better,¬† and neither does it mean we want to be superior than them.

They just need to understand that we are living in the new era,¬† and that what was relevant in the past is slowly fading and soon to no longer be relevant today, as we are living in times where almost everything is influence by media and the changing environment, therefore like they always say ‘when times changes, we need to be pro-active, and catch up’.

So sometimes communication is not the problem where parents and children are concerned, the¬† only issue is the misunderstanding parents sometimes have towards mastering the difference between Teaching your child to do something versus telling them to do something, because teaching simply put, is giving attention to someone’s needs and intervening to help that person learn a that particular thing, while telling is giving someone information¬† to do something and not giving them the freedom of choice.

While I believe that parents should understand and learn the difference between teaching us and telling us and how it¬† works, it still doesn’t give Us young people any right to disregard or disrespect because the primary focus between teaching and telling is parents and young people working together.

 

The Courage To Say No!

If there is anything that a lot of us have struggled with or are still struggling with, is the courage to say No. We live in a world where we feel like we owe people our lives, constantly afraid to just simply say No and before we know it, we have resentment towards other people or even the people we love.

I have said this before and I will say this again, that through this blog, I use my pen to inspire people and speak my mind and at times I get ideas from intense conversations I have with people close to my heart, while other times these ideas emanates from the behaviors I observe around me, and lately I have come realize that many people are victims of saying Yes to others and No to themselves, and before they know it, they have lost themselves and when it comes to taking responsibility, they only have others to point fingers at.

A lot of people struggle with having the courage to say No to others and are ¬†constantly afraid to just value themselves enough to finally say ‘Yes to me’ , and sometimes it may be because of their backgrounds, perhaps they were raised in homes where they were taught Not to have a Voice, while others are afraid because they believe that the only people who have a right to say No to anything are those with a golden spoon in their mouth.

AAEAAQAAAAAAAAdeAAAAJDgwYTFjOTI3LTllMmItNGMyNC1hYmE2LWZiM2E5Nzg3OWRmZA

The truth is we need to teach our selves or better yet learn to just say no, and understand that saying no doesn’t mean you are suddenly a selfish person, it just simply means you are being honest with your feelings and being your genuine self.

Most of our backgrounds taught us that saying No to others means you are being disrespectful to them, and they have forgotten that YOU matter first, the other truth they have forgotten is that firstly, saying No, when deep down you know you are not okay with a decision, makes you liar to your self, and it can make you a passive, and an angry person later in life.

Sometimes people even teach us to say Yes to others and No to themselves in the name of ¬†God, and they say it is a godly thing to do, however should a Godly thing include lying to one’s self? of cause not, therefore we need to teach our selves to just man up and be honest with our selves.

download.jpg

One of the things people don’t realize about having the courage to say No is that it is part of self respect and self love, W. Clement Stone once said¬†‘Have the courage to say No, have the courage face the truth, do the right thing because it is right, these are the magic keys to living life with integrity,’¬†so being honest enough to say No is not being selfish or being ignorant, it is just simply being respectful to your self as much as being respectful to others.

Do not get me wrong, having the the balls to say No is good, in fact it is important however while having that courage is a good thing for you, it doesn’t make it right all the time. It is only relevant where your heart has no peace in saying Yes.

 

RELATIONSHIP 101: Why it takes two to make it work.

Anyone who knows me very well will tell you that as much as an introvert I am, I really love to engage in deep conversations (one’s that people usually avoid talking about) where I do not only speak but I learn from them, and after a very heated conversation or should I say a debate with my bf, I have ¬†learned so much.

The conversation started with, what if one of us had an opportunity to go to another country for a certain period of time, would we survive it?, can a couple cope in long distance relationship? and will it not kill the relationship? and after an hour or so of a loooong  debate, I  agreed that Yes, it is possible to survive long distance even though there will be a lot of challenges along the way, however here is another challenge, what if one gets an opportunity and the other is not okay with it? do you still go on and take that opportunity or do you sacrifice that opportunity for the sake of your relationship?

As much as i said ‘hell yeah¬†I would definitely take that opportunity‘, like I mentioned above, I did not just talk from this discussion, I also learned from it, and there is one thing I have learned from this conversation; I ¬†have learned that it takes two people to make a relationship work.

It-takes-two-to-tango.png

There is a saying that states, it take two to tango therefore there is no way a relationship can work if two people are not putting in effort and sacrifices. This conversation reminded me that I was one of those people who thinks relationships are all roses and candles and they are not. And I should STOP. I have come to realize that it takes sacrifices and work for a relationship to really survive. They say it is not for the faint-hearted mainly because this where you no longer think about your self, but you think about the other person as well.

Now going back to the discussion; for a relationship to work, it take two people. when your partner does not approve of something no matter how much you want that particular thing, be it a job, friend, house etc… if you want your relationship to really work you have to sacrifice that thing no matter how hard it is. In one of our usual conversations, one of my bff’s told me that a relationship is about meeting the other person halfway, its not just about you, but about the other person as well. You have to forget about me, me, me, and remember its us, us, us.

10007340-silhouette-of-two-people-in-love-at-sunset

And I asked; if ¬†I constantly sacrifice things for the other person, is that a good thing for me? didn’t they just say you have to be good to You first, in order to be good to the other person?

But here is the catch, like i said, a relationship is not no longer about you only, its about two people, it is about two people who love one another and their plans have to always fit each other in no matter how difficult it is, therefore making a decision, you should not look at it as if you are constantly making  sacrifices for the other person to make them a favor, but you are doing it because you love that person and you want to make it work.

A lot of people fail  when it comes to this not because they do not know but because they forget that the whole making it work is not based on doing someone a favor, but it is based on LOVE to make it work. It is based on being Intentional to make it work. Therefore the sacrifices and the decisions you make is all about Love towards the other person in your relationship.

¬†While it is very important to always consider that it takes two people’s sacrifices to make it work in a relationship, there are other things that we shouldn’t base our sacrifices on;

hand-stop

  • You shouldn’t sacrifice the things you love if your partner wants you to do them based on their own insecurities, in simple terms, you shouldn’t stop what you love if your partner wants you to sacrifice your job or other things because he/she doesn’t trust you and perhaps they think they are going ¬†to lose you to colleagues, friends etc… in this situation, the problem is not with you but with them. Therefore you should go a head and do you and live your life, because if your partner doesn’t trust you now, then it is probably going to be worse as times goes by.
  • You shouldn’t ¬†sacrifice nor even try to make it work if you don’t see a future with that person. I always see people make decisions based on how it worked for other people, and they forget that relationships are different, just because it worked for other people, it doesn’t mean it will work for you. therefore if you do not see a future, then do not settle for less.
  • Another mistake that people make is that they sacrifice to try and make it work in their relationship even when they deeply know there isn’t Love anymore. I mentioned above that sacrifice in a relationship is based on Love and ¬†not passive favor for the other person, therefore your sacrifices shouldn’t be made if there is no love towards that person. Otherwise you will end up having resentment from not being able to do the things you wanted to do and have hate towards an innocent person, when in fact you are at fault.
  • And lastly do not be quick to sacrifice things to make it work for your relationship at early stages in your relationship such as 2 weeks in it. The early stages are there for you to discover ¬†that individual and learn who they are and if he is the one for you, therefore take your time. While others can spot immediately that he/ she is the one, do not copy others, because what works for someone does not automatically mean it will works for you, remember we’re all different, therefore you need to be certain first and go with the ride.